5 January 2017
So, last year I put myself out there, I risked it for a guy, and on the 1st of January things didn't exactly go my way. Normally I guess this would be the part where I tell you it wasn't worth it, and guys suck and you deserve more than they give, but I'm not going to do that.
I liked a guy, and I knew he wasn't sure how he felt about me. I could have decided it wasn't worth waiting around for, because my feelings were only going to grow, while I had no idea what he was feeling, but I risked it. I told him it was ok that he wasn't sure yet, I decided in myself that I was strong enough to cope with any eventuality, and I waited.
It turned out he didn't feel the same. He just didn't feel it with me, couldn't see us working out, and although he liked me it just wasn't right for him. I'd be lying if I said that didn't hurt. Of course it hurt, I'd let myself imagine a future with this guy, I'd been completely open and honest with him about how I felt, I thought we could have really had something, and hearing that he didn't agree was painful.
But it was my choice to risk it, and although it hurt, I didn't blame him. He was honest, and open and he did what was right for him, in fact I couldn't ask for much more - other than him to want me back of course!
So it didn't work out for me. I risked it, I put myself out there, I was unequivocally myself, and no I didn't get the fairytale ending where the risk was all worth it because the guy completely fell for me. But I don't regret it. I did what I wanted to do, despite warnings against it, I made the choice that this guy was worth it, and I wanted to try and see if things would work.
He's wonderful, he knows I think that, his decision hasn't changed that. People are quick to forget that everyone has a right to do what they want. Yes i'm hurt, but I knew that was a possibility. Yes he, or his lack of feelings toward me, is what hurt me, but that doesn't mean he is to blame. He did what he wanted to do, what was right for him, and he was honest and open, and he was sorry that it didn't work out how I wanted. That's all that matters really.
His happiness, and my happiness is all that matters. He made the choice that will make him happy, and I'm happy that I know where I stand and I can continue on making the choices that make me happy. And sometimes you've just got to risk it to try and reach that happiness.
This year I'm going to keep risking it, because I am strong enough to deal with the consequences. I know who I am, I know what I deserve, and I am going to go for the things I want, put myself out there and just hope for the best. It's not always going to work out my way, but that's life, and I'll just pick myself up, brush myself off and keep on risking it.
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