Sometimes I feel like I put too much on myself. I write to do lists, and have plans, and expect so much of myself. I want to achieve and be the best I can possibly be and I can see my goals right in front of me just waiting for me to get there, but theres so many hurdles in between.
Sometimes those hurdles are barley off the ground and can be jumped without a second thought, but sometimes the hurdles seem so high they’re impossible and there is no point even trying. Most of the time they’re somewhere in between, a height that just might be possible If I jump my highest, but I might also stumble and fall and feel stupid for trying.
I’m emotional, lazy, a procrastinator, a planner and I’m also ambitious. Together these things make for a bit of a roller coaster ride. My ambitions lead to setting goals and planning how to reach them, but the lazy procrastinator in me tries as hard as it can to stop me getting close to these goals. Then I get emotional, I give up, what’s the point in trying Im never going to get there. I’m not going to write this essay, apply for that job, or go on a run. I’m going to eat cake, and watch telly. I was never good enough anyway.
One moment Im ambitious and motivated and excited, then I trip up over a hurdle and it all comes crashing down and seems impossible. I stop trying, I sabotage myself and make reaching that goal harder by doing the opposite of what I need to.
I’m trying to improve, to anticipate the hurdles and better prepare for them. Im learning to cope better when I do stumble, to not be disheartened and pick myself up and carry on. I also need to understand that Im going to have bad days, and sad days and mad days. I’ll have days where everything becomes too much, or I feel lost or scared, but thats okay, It’s just one day and tomorrow will be better.
I’m not sure where I was going with this post, but I just wanted to write and this is what came out. I want my blog to be real and honest, I want to be able to be open and talk about personal things, I want to start conversations and get advice, or give advice. Sometimes blogging can be another one of the goals that I never reach, hurdles keep getting in my way, stopping me from getting where I want to be, but like I said Im trying to not let those hurdles get too big, and not to be discouraged when I do stumble.
Does anyone else ever feel like this? How do you stay motivated when you stumble at a hurdle?