Ronan Keating was right. Life is a roller coaster, and right now I really am riding it. The past few weeks have been so up and down I don't even know how to feel. You may or may not know that I've recently been suffering with anxiety, as I mentioned in a previous blog post, and although things are getting better Im definitely still struggling. Although the medication I'm on for my anxiety is definitely helping it's by no means gone, and although Im not anxious every day like I was before, and it's not holding me back in the same way, I do feel like Im very up and down at the moment, like a roller coaster!
The past few weeks I've had some really great days, my anxiety hasn't held me back and I've felt pretty great about myself. One of the really great things I've done in November was visit the Harry Potter Studios with my friend as a massive Potter fan I was so excited and had a really great day, I'd definitely love to go again and recommend it to any fans as it's such a great experience. As I live quite close to the studios I had two of my uni friends come stay with me for the weekend, which was so great as I got to show them around and introduce them to some of my home friends.
[Butterbeer Moustache// Hogwarts!]
I've also managed to get back on top of my uni work, starting this year of with some pretty bad anxiety effected my work quite a bit and I've been working hard to catch up when I'm having a good day. This week I attended my first lecture in 6 weeks after a really encouraging chat with my lecturer who calmed my worries about not doing well after having missed so much. I've also got cracking with planning and reading for my dissertation, I'm still a bit behind where I would want to be, but Im feeling motivated about it and although the thought of writing 12,000 words makes me want to throw up Im just taking it slowly so I don't get overwhelmed. If any of you wanted to know, my dissertation is going to be looking at sexual violence towards women during armed conflict. Which sounds like a horrible topic but is something that really interests me as a Human Rights student.
After my housemates and friends found out about my blog I've received a lot of encouragement which has inspired me to get back into it and start working hard again, so hopefully my blog can keep growing! This week I also had another great 'high' on this roller coaster with attending the premier for Audax, a film created by the UCLAN film production course that a lot of my friends, and boyfriend are part of. They worked on the film in second year and I saw how hard they worked, in fact I spent a lot of evenings helping my boyfriend Josh paint the set as he was the production designer of the film. Watching the film I was so proud of them and we all had a great evening, everyone dressed up in suits and nice dresses and then after watching the film we spent the rest of the evening in the pub celebrating.
[Audax Premier//Hitting the pub]
As I said before, this month has been very up and down, and I've got to be honest the down parts have been really bad. I'm still struggling with anxiety that somedays just hits me totally out of the blue and makes me want to curl up in my bed with chocolate and biscuits, which is usually my first response. In fact my eating habits have become so bad recently, when I start feeling down or anxious or sad I head to the shop and buy so much junk food which I just pig out and eat in bed. I've put on a lot of weight, over a stone in a month, which makes me feel so upset and angry and disappointed in myself. I don't feel comfortable or confident in clothes I used to love wearing, Im just not very happy with myself at the moment.
Im currently seeing a councillor which has so far been really helpful in just getting me to open up and to also explore some of my issues and things I've been struggling with. Some days I feel great, motivated, confident and I know things are going to be okay, some days I feel so unsure and unconfident in myself and everything Im doing, and some days I feel so crap that I really hate myself and anxiety takes over and stops me doing anything. I hope this roller coaster Im on starts to slow down soon, because Im definitely ready to get off!
I know lots of people are struggling with things, whether thats mental illness, physical illness, bullying, personal struggles, money struggles. Whatever it is I just want to let you know things will get better, no matter how crap they feel right now. I'm in a weird place at the moment where I have no idea how Im going to feel each day, I feel like Im just all over the place, but I know things will get better eventually I've just got to keep on keeping on and trying my hardest to keep my head above water.
I know that the night must end and the sun will rise.