Physically my health is probably the worst it's ever been, i'm currently at my highest ever weight which makes me really sad because in September i'd been at my lowest weight as an adult. However i've had a tough few months struggling with anxiety, low moods, self confidence issues and a seriously bad relationship with food, which has resulted in me putting on a lot of weight in a short space of time. Things are looking up though, since February time i've started to feel a lot better mentally, my anxiety isn't as bad and i'm coping with things a lot better, now i'm feeling a bit better in myself I think i'm in a good place to start working on myself physically.
Eating & Weight loss
One of my main goals for this year was to stop dieting, I focus on food way too much, and for the first 3 months of this year I just let myself eat what I wanted and tried to make good choices. This didn't really work for my weight though so I decided I needed to change my eating habits and be a bit stricter with myself. So to try and help me with eating less and hopefully loose some weight i've joined Weight Watchers online. On this plan every food is given a point value and I get a certain amount of points daily and weekly. This gives me freedom because I can eat whatever I want I just have to stick in my points. I'm still getting into this, and i've struggled sticking to it, Im an emotional eater so anytime something happens my immediate response is to turn to food!
I'm definitely eating healthier, but i'm nowhere near as healthy as I know I can be. I've been really enjoying making smoothies, which was another one of my goals. My main struggle is snacking, I just always go to sugary chocolatey options and I can't restrain myself and I just eat and eat. I'm trying to hold myself accountable for my eating and be stricter on myself, I like eating healthy foods, I just need to remember this.
So far this year exercise has been non existent in my life, over the summer I'd really got into running so i'm determined to get back into it. Now the weather is better I can make it out more for runs, and I also want to do more home workouts, whether thats the 30 Day Shred which i've been doing on and off for 3 years but never got to the final level! Or Blogilaties which i've heard amazing things about.
I also really need to try yoga I think this is something i'll really enjoy and it has so many benefits. Meditation is something else I wanted to try out this year and I don't know why I haven't given it a go yet, this is something I know will help me with my anxiety.
As I mentioned, my mental health has improved so much since last year, my anxiety levels are a lot lower and most days I don't feel anxious at all or I can talk myself out of my anxiety. I've got back on track with Uni, submitting work and keeping on track with my plans, I definitely still have bad days and i'm not ready to come off medication but i'm definitely coping better and I feel amazing because of it.
However on the other hand my confidence about the way I look has dropped significantly, gaining a lot of weight quickly has been really difficult. My clothes don't fit, I get surprised when I see myself in the mirror, I don't feel sexy any more. I've always disliked the way I looked but now i'm so unconfident I don't feel comfortable going out, I feel like people are staring at me, even though I know they're not. I'm not loving myself and I know I should. I'm not being mean to myself anymore, i'm not calling myself names but instead I just feel sad and self conscious.
I know I want to loose weight, I'm not comfortable at this size, I want to be back to the size I was before, and the only way to do that is to get my shit together! Hopefully joining Weight Watchers and getting back into exercise will help me loose weight, I just want to look like me again.
If you want to read back through any of my previous Healthy Living posts you can. You can also read about my weight loss story that I posted a year ago, to hear a bit more about my story. If you're struggling with self confidence or if you're on a healthy living journey I'd love to hear from you. It's so nice getting support from the blogging community.