Healthy Living #15: My Weight & Me Part 2

I am fat. Right now the body I have is a fat body, it's not the fattest body, and to some it might not be considered fat at all, but I am fat. Not only am I medically obese (according to my BMI) but I am also at a weight where I personally feel fat. This is a topic that can cause a lot of controversy and I will say I do not intend to offend anyone, Im not pushing any standards upon anyone, I am merely writing about my weight and me. 

So I'm fat. I've been fat before, and even when I was at my smallest, a weight I would now kill to be at, I felt fat. I've always felt fat and my mind has been my own worst enemy when it comes to my weight and how I feel about myself. Over a year ago I posted my first Healthy Living post and part 1 of My Weight & Me, although I'd lost some weight from what was then my highest weight, I was still struggling and felt unhappy about my size. I am  now currently 4 stone heavier than my lowest weight, I gained most of this weight, and went from my lowest weight to putting on 3-4 stone in around 3 months, since then I've been up and down but pretty much at a constant gain. 

This weight gain was sparked by a pretty difficult time in my life when I was really struggling with anxiety and I turned to food for comfort in a dramatic way. I binged, overate and felt disgusted at myself, I reached a point where I'd never been before where I literally hated myself but couldn't drag myself out of it. In fact, even though I've had some amazing counselling and I'm coping with my anxiety a lot better my mind is still my worst enemy and my relationship with food is still a very unhealthy one. At the beginning of this year I set myself some Healthy Living goals and a month a go I did a little catch up of how those goals were going. However It's now 5 months in and I just keep gaining. I've had to buy a whole new wardrobe because the chance of me fitting into my size 12 clothes was just laughable! I am now a size 16-18, my body is covered in stretch marks from gaining weight so quickly and I get shocked when I look in the mirror or see photos and I realise how fat I actually am. 

[Me: Feb - April 2015]

Some days I don't feel terrible, some days I feel great, I see other gorgeous amazing bloggers who are similar sizes or bigger than me, and I think damn they look amazing, and I want to feel as amazing as they look. I joined in the #WeAreTheThey hashtag that was recently created in response to fat shaming comments, I've seen how positive people can be about their bodies and I've received so many compliments and words of encouragment, and I've felt brilliant and bloody flawless because of it. I want to embrace my fat and love it, love myself and feel gorgeous because I know I am beautiful!

But it's not actually that easy. In fact, it's really hard! How do you change a mindset that has been with you for as long as you can remember, how do you love yourself but also want to change yourself? How do you eat well when all you want to do is curl up in bed with a bar of chocolate? When you stand on the scales and cry, you try on old clothes that will never fit or you see photos of you at a size that now seems unattainable, how do you cope with these moments, how do you love yourself through these moments, when all you can feel is sadness, anger and disgust. 

I think body positivity is so important, we should all feel beautiful no matter our size, and more importantly we should not feel shamed or made to not feel worthy because of our size, but what about when the person doing that shaming is yourself? I'm at a point where I really don't know what to do anymore. I tell myself that I am beautiful and gorgeous and my size doesn't matter, but I don't really believe myself, I'm actively trying to loose weight, but then Im also sabotaging myself by eating 3 packets of biscuits in a day. It's like I loose control, I just keep eating even though I know I shouldn't, I'm addicted and I feel like I'm at a point where i've either got to sort myself out, or I'm just going to spiral into an unhealthy obese mess who isn't happy and doesn't love herself. 

This post isn't me seeking attention, nor is it me insulting myself, it's just the truth about how I feel right now. I'm never going to tell anyone to loose weight if they don't want to, I strongly believe self love is more important and if you love yourself then thats amazing, but personally I don't want to be the size I currently am, I don't feel comfortable and I don't feel like myself, the person I see in the mirror isn't me and I don't know what to do about it. Obviously I am trying to loose weight, I'm probably not trying hard enough but my self loathing and dislike for myself is growing and I can't seem to stop it from taking over. 

I think I just need a kick up the backside to get me back into my healthy lifestyle. If anyone has been in a similar position of gaining weight after having lost some then I'd love to hear how you coped. Also spread the positivity in the comments. <3 

5 comments

  1. Great post lovely! Very brave of you to share the way you're feeling. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm not happy with my weight now and I need to change it so I can be happy with myself but I always turn to food to comfort me and overeat. It's so difficult! You are beautiful no matter what :) but I hope you manage to lose weight if that's what will make you happy.. I definitely need to do that I feel id be a lot happier then! We can do this!!
    Jess xx
    www.jesswill.com

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  2. Hey beautiful

    Thank you for sharing your post with all of us, it was refreshing to read someone's honest thoughts on trying to embrace their body size and trying to fall in love with themselves when it seems to be one of the hardest things to do when you're torn between being healthy and wanting to stuff yourself with junk food. I feel your pain beautiful.

    I know that you've probably heard this before but you're gorgeous, inside and out. You're a lovely girl.

    I wish I had the magical answer to how to change mind set and to release the emotional attachment to food. I'm struggling myself right now and need the same kick up the backside!

    If you would like a support buddy , someone to talk to when faced with situations, someone to sound off to, then I'm here for you :) xx

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  3. A brilliant post, I completely get where you're at! I'm currently my heaviest I've ever been, which is frustrating as I lost over 3 stone a couple of years ago! Since then I've had issues to deal with which led to me overeating, despite overcoming these issues. I've now got to the point where I know what I need to do, I start off my days well yet as soon as late afternoon hits I start eating everything in sight!
    If you ever want any support or anybody to talk to then just give me a shout I would be more than happy!

    X

    www.beingbecki.com

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  4. I love this post! I have alway been larger than the other girls my age. It's important to love yourself and be happy with your size which will be different for everybody. I'm now a size 12-14 and at a stage where sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm not. I know I could diet and diet and diet until I'm size 8 but I'd never maintain it as I love food too much! I personally think you look fab but it's how you feel. If you want to lose weight perhaps try a fun exercise class like zumba or hula hooping :)
    XO charlotte
    withlovelottie.uk

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  5. I admire how true and honest you are to yourself, many women are in the same situation you are, but most are in denial. Stay true and you will always be beautiful x

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