I am fat. Right now the body I have is a fat body, it's not the fattest body, and to some it might not be considered fat at all, but I am fat. Not only am I medically obese (according to my BMI) but I am also at a weight where I personally feel fat. This is a topic that can cause a lot of controversy and I will say I do not intend to offend anyone, Im not pushing any standards upon anyone, I am merely writing about my weight and me.
So I'm fat. I've been fat before, and even when I was at my smallest, a weight I would now kill to be at, I felt fat. I've always felt fat and my mind has been my own worst enemy when it comes to my weight and how I feel about myself. Over a year ago I posted my first Healthy Living post and part 1 of My Weight & Me, although I'd lost some weight from what was then my highest weight, I was still struggling and felt unhappy about my size. I am now currently 4 stone heavier than my lowest weight, I gained most of this weight, and went from my lowest weight to putting on 3-4 stone in around 3 months, since then I've been up and down but pretty much at a constant gain.
This weight gain was sparked by a pretty difficult time in my life when I was really struggling with anxiety and I turned to food for comfort in a dramatic way. I binged, overate and felt disgusted at myself, I reached a point where I'd never been before where I literally hated myself but couldn't drag myself out of it. In fact, even though I've had some amazing counselling and I'm coping with my anxiety a lot better my mind is still my worst enemy and my relationship with food is still a very unhealthy one. At the beginning of this year I set myself some Healthy Living goals and a month a go I did a little catch up of how those goals were going. However It's now 5 months in and I just keep gaining. I've had to buy a whole new wardrobe because the chance of me fitting into my size 12 clothes was just laughable! I am now a size 16-18, my body is covered in stretch marks from gaining weight so quickly and I get shocked when I look in the mirror or see photos and I realise how fat I actually am.
[Me: Feb - April 2015]
Some days I don't feel terrible, some days I feel great, I see other gorgeous amazing bloggers who are similar sizes or bigger than me, and I think damn they look amazing, and I want to feel as amazing as they look. I joined in the #WeAreTheThey hashtag that was recently created in response to fat shaming comments, I've seen how positive people can be about their bodies and I've received so many compliments and words of encouragment, and I've felt brilliant and bloody flawless because of it. I want to embrace my fat and love it, love myself and feel gorgeous because I know I am beautiful!
But it's not actually that easy. In fact, it's really hard! How do you change a mindset that has been with you for as long as you can remember, how do you love yourself but also want to change yourself? How do you eat well when all you want to do is curl up in bed with a bar of chocolate? When you stand on the scales and cry, you try on old clothes that will never fit or you see photos of you at a size that now seems unattainable, how do you cope with these moments, how do you love yourself through these moments, when all you can feel is sadness, anger and disgust.
I think body positivity is so important, we should all feel beautiful no matter our size, and more importantly we should not feel shamed or made to not feel worthy because of our size, but what about when the person doing that shaming is yourself? I'm at a point where I really don't know what to do anymore. I tell myself that I am beautiful and gorgeous and my size doesn't matter, but I don't really believe myself, I'm actively trying to loose weight, but then Im also sabotaging myself by eating 3 packets of biscuits in a day. It's like I loose control, I just keep eating even though I know I shouldn't, I'm addicted and I feel like I'm at a point where i've either got to sort myself out, or I'm just going to spiral into an unhealthy obese mess who isn't happy and doesn't love herself.
This post isn't me seeking attention, nor is it me insulting myself, it's just the truth about how I feel right now. I'm never going to tell anyone to loose weight if they don't want to, I strongly believe self love is more important and if you love yourself then thats amazing, but personally I don't want to be the size I currently am, I don't feel comfortable and I don't feel like myself, the person I see in the mirror isn't me and I don't know what to do about it. Obviously I am trying to loose weight, I'm probably not trying hard enough but my self loathing and dislike for myself is growing and I can't seem to stop it from taking over.
I think I just need a kick up the backside to get me back into my healthy lifestyle. If anyone has been in a similar position of gaining weight after having lost some then I'd love to hear how you coped. Also spread the positivity in the comments. <3