My heart hurts. This is a post I may never publish, it might be something that stays hidden away in my drafts forever, but it feels like something I need to write. For me.
I've had my heart broken for the first time. My first love, first boyfriend, first heart break. I'd seen friends go through it before and I could sympathise but I could never truly understand, but now I've had a taste of it myself. It's not fun. It's sad and painful and confusing and its there all the time in the back of your mind. Life goes on, you laugh, have fun with your friends, you get a new job, meet new people, kiss someone new, go on dates, but it's always there. The ache.
I know why they call it heart break because it truly feels like your heart is being pulled apart, or squeezed so tightly you can't breath, or stabbed continuously. It just keeps going. The first few weeks are hell. It didn't feel real. It couldn't be real. He couldn't have just stopped loving me. Everything reminded me of him, it felt like I couldn't go a minute without his face coming into my mind, without his name finding its way onto my tongue. So many memories. I missed him.
You crack. Of course you crack. No contact is bollocks. How can you go from everything to nothing in one day. I wasn't angry at him, I'll never be angry at him for his decision. It was the right decision, I know that, and I'm not sure if that makes it worse. There was just so much sadness, a sadness I've never experienced before, and all I wanted to do was hear his voice, or see his smile and know everything was going to be ok. But that wasn't going to come from him.
It gets easier. Time is the only healer. It doesn't go away though, it just becomes easier to ignore, the feelings can be suppressed, his name doesn't find it's way into your mind as often. It's still there though, waiting until you least expect it, when you think you're doing ok and it jumps out, catching you unguarded, reminding you that you're still hurting, you're not over him.
Im confused, a lot of the time. I'm realistic, I always have been. I know I'll move on, I know I'll meet someone who will make me so happy, who I will love and will love me too, but I'm not there yet. Some days it feels like I'll never feel that way again, that I don't want to feel that way with anyone else.
I miss him. I miss feeling loved, I miss cuddles and kisses and all that relationship stuff, but I also miss him a lot. I've lost my best friend, someone who knew everything about me, who cared about me and was always there, someone who meant so much to me, who could make me laugh and always knew what to say. He's not mine anymore, and I can't even have him as a friend because it hurts too much. Seeing him and not being able to touch him. Not being able to ring him when I'm sad or angry. He's not mine any more.
I know this ache will go. I know I will go days, then weeks, then months without thinking about him. I know I'll meet someone new. I know I'll fall in love again. Right now it just hurts.
Hard to let you go, when you're all I know. Sad to say goodbye, as we go on with our lives.
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