Ironically, today is the International Day of Happiness, but, I don't think I'm very happy.
I haven't said this out loud to anyone, although maybe my close friends have picked up on it, at the moment I'm not very happy. I feel low. I'm not depressed, I know the difference and I know I've felt worse than I do right now, but I'm still just not happy.
This doesn't stem from anything in particular, in fact lots of things in my life make me very happy. I have a great job that allows me to do something I love, is a great step in my career and means working in a relaxed environment with some wonderful people. I laugh every day. I have great friends, who I can contact any time and I know they will be there for me, I have a loving family, and I have two kittens who I adore.
But I can't shake this feeling, I can't get out of this overall mood that right now I'm not happy. The past two years have been a bit of a roller coaster for me, with anxiety, uni stresses, a relationship breaking down and then ending, moving home, no longer being close to a lot of my friends, starting a new job and coming off medication.
It's been a lot, and some days I've felt like I couldn't cope, some weeks, even months were terrible, but overall I'm in a much better place now. I'm off medication, and on the whole, a lot less anxious. I'm coming to terms with the end of my first real relationship, and I'm getting used to working full time. But general happiness still feels just out of reach.
I've been craving attention, validation and love from new people, when really I should be focusing on giving myself attention, validation and most importantly love. I need to remember to accept the love my friends and family have for me, that is just as important and as validating as love from a man.
My mind has been busy, I've been distracting it. Really I need to give it time to slow down, to breathe, to find itself again. I need to balance myself, to be happy with myself and to find out what truly makes me happy.
Am I happy? No, I don't think I am right now, but, I'm not unhappy. I'm stuck in the middle trying to work out who I am and what I want and where I want to be. Trying to decide what makes me happy, and trying to focus on things that don't rely on someone else to maintain my happiness.
I'm taking a break. No more searching for someone to make me happy, no more feeling like my life isn't complete without someone to love. I am enough to make me happy. I just need to find out what it is that makes me happy.
So, Happy International Day of Happiness! I truly hope you're happy today, and every day. I hope if like me, you're not happy right now, that you can find a way to happiness. I hope that if you're very unhappy, or struggling with depression or any other mood effecting illness, that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is only a pinprick. I hope that you know this isn't a forever feeling, and that happiness is possible.
Its time for me to start focusing on myself, and hopefully find happiness again.
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