I've been single for about 9 months now. Having my heart broken was hard, as it is on anyone I'm sure, but I'm doing ok. I've been dating, as you'll know from previous posts, and if you follow me on twitter where I post far too much about my life.
In those 9 months i've liked someone, i've been hurt, i've been stood up, and invited on dates I've turned down. I've felt special and wanted, and I've felt used and rejected.
Dating is a minefield, it's a constant head fuck and its tough. It's not knowing what you want, and not knowing what they want. It's letting someone in, and it's crying over men who shouldn't mean anything to you. It's excitement and butterflies in your stomach. It's sending naughty selfies and feeling excited about getting to know someone new.
It's fuckboys who treat you like shit, it's nice boys who don't want to hurt you. It's feeling amazing one minute and terrible the next. It's drinks and chatting shit because you're nervous. It's checking your phone wondering why he doesn't message you any more. It's him telling you he thinks you're gorgeous and amazing, but it's also him telling you he doesn't want to see you any more.
Dating is giving the different guys you're talking to code names so your friends don't get confused. It's sending screenshots to your best friend asking for advice on what to do. It's not knowing what to wear, and trying to impress. It's trying to play it cool and not succeeding. It's stalking their social media, and the feeling of dread when you see them with an ex or someone new.
It's staying up late because you want to keep the conversation going. It's guys who just want sex. It's being asked 'how are you?' or 'any plans for the weekend?' more times than you care to answer. It's a conversation that flows, and then one comment that turns you off. It's attraction and anxiety. It's promises and plans. It's compromising.
It's the first kiss, standing in a pub car park not wanting to say goodbye. It's holding hands for the first time, and "good morning beautiful" texts. It's sex, and fucking, and falling asleep in their arms. It's feeling confident because they make you feel good. It's smiling at your phone when you get a message from them.
It's conversations that happen too soon. It's not feeling ready for anything more. It's an ex. It just doesn't feel right. It's not you, it's me.
It's lying in bed wondering if you're just 'fuckable' not 'dateable'. It's deleting your dating apps and swearing off men. It's craving attention and re-downloading them. It's hoping for someone different, someone special, just someone. It's loneliness, it's Friday nights in, watching Netflix on your own. It's missing him. It's drunken texts you never should have sent.
It's shit but it's wonderful. It makes you happy and it makes you cry. It's worth it, but it isn't. It's dating.